Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I am a 68-year-old man in a relationship with a 59-year-old woman. After dating for about a year and a half, she revealed that she had engaged in 5 or 6 threesomes in the past, during a time when her husband was ill and allowed her to seek fulfillment outside their marriage. She connected with a friend with benefits on Plenty of Fish, leading to these experiences that lasted for several months until her husband’s condition worsened, prompting her to leave that lifestyle.

She claims it was purely physical with no emotional attachment, and they rarely spent time outside the hotel room. After her husband's passing, she didn't date anyone for eight years until she met me. I cherish our relationship but am struggling to process this information.

I find myself feeling retroactively jealous over her past, which I couldn't control or influence. I seek advice on how to manage this jealousy to foster growth in our relationship.

The Past Is A Foreign Country

What you're experiencing is known as "retroactive jealousy." Typically, jealousy arises from present situations or shared past experiences in a relationship. In contrast, retroactive jealousy involves feeling envious about a partner's past experiences that occurred before you met.

While it's common to dismiss retroactive jealousy as mere insecurity, it’s beneficial to explore these feelings further. More often than not, jealousy serves as a signal that something is amiss in the relationship. This could range from a serious concern to an unmet emotional need.

It may seem irrational to be upset about events from your partner's past, but your feelings are valid. The way you feel is real, and no one can dictate your emotional responses. However, it’s essential to differentiate between the emotions you experience and their underlying causes.

Take time to reflect on what specifically about your girlfriend's sexual history is causing you distress. For instance, are you troubled by her past relationships? Understanding the root of your feelings is crucial. Often, feelings of inadequacy or comparison to a partner's previous experiences can contribute to retroactive jealousy.

This scenario is particularly relevant in your case, as your partner's past encounters, which included threesomes, may trigger feelings of insecurity or fear of not measuring up. It’s vital to investigate where these negative emotions stem from.

It's also possible you may not fully grasp what’s bothering you. The complexity of emotions could lead to a default response regarding her past experiences without considering deeper issues, such as fears of abandonment or doubts about your partner's commitment to monogamy.

Recognizing your feelings and understanding their origins can facilitate personal growth. Engaging in introspection can help clarify your emotions, setting the stage for constructive dialogue with your partner.

Depending on the root cause of your feelings, various approaches may help. If past traumas are influencing your current emotions, seeking support from a counselor could be beneficial. If insecurity within your relationship is the issue, discussing your feelings with your partner might provide the reassurance you need. Let her know what you’re experiencing and ask for support.

Engaging in self-care activities that boost your self-esteem can also alleviate feelings of inadequacy. Building a positive self-image enables you to accept your partner's reassurances and fosters a healthier relationship dynamic.

It might also be helpful to have an open conversation with your partner about her past experiences—not for explicit details, but to understand her feelings about those times. Knowing her perspective can help dispel fears and doubts, reinforcing your connection.

Keep in mind that this is ultimately your challenge to address. While your partner can offer support, it’s your responsibility to work through these feelings. Viewing this situation as an opportunity for growth can transform discomfort into a chance to strengthen your relationship.

Good luck.

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I've been friends with a boy, Jake, for over a year, and our connection has grown stronger in the last three months. Recently, I learned that Jake is interested in a girl named Lea, who is friends with my best friend. This news triggered feelings of jealousy, as I know that Lea is attractive but not very nice.

I realize that my jealousy feels unfair, given that I’ve been involved with others, including Jake's friend. When I learned about his potential relationship with Lea, I impulsively texted him not to pursue her. After some back and forth, I confessed my feelings, only to be friend-zoned, which I had anticipated. Now, things feel awkward between us, and I’m unsure how to mend our friendship.

Stuck In The Middle

I can relate to the high school drama you’re experiencing. Navigating emotions, especially jealousy, can be bewildering, often leading to impulsive decisions that complicate situations.

Your feelings for Jake have created a sense of possessiveness, and your friend's actions felt like a betrayal. However, it's essential to understand that having feelings for someone does not grant ownership over their choices in relationships.

Your friend’s actions might seem deceitful, but if Jake was already interested in Lea, they were merely facilitating a connection, rather than undermining your feelings.

Recognizing that this situation involves both you and Jake can clarify your next steps. Admitting that your feelings stemmed from a desire to claim ownership over him is crucial for moving forward.

To address the awkwardness, consider apologizing to Jake for your impulsive reaction. Acknowledge that you overstepped and express your wish to remain friends, allowing him the space to decide how to proceed. If he needs time apart, respect that.

Avoid broadcasting your feelings on social media, as this could come off as manipulative. Instead, process your emotions privately.

Remember, this situation is about Jake and Lea, not just you. A sincere apology can pave the way for rekindling your friendship, but it will require patience as Jake navigates his feelings too.

Good luck.