Chapter 1: Understanding Intimacy

Intimacy holds a vital place in any relationship, and this is a sentiment widely acknowledged. But what exactly does intimacy entail? According to a popular definition, it signifies a "close familiarity or friendship." This is undoubtedly a quality many desire in their partnerships. Consider a relationship devoid of intimacy; it evokes an image of coldness and distance, which hardly seems enjoyable. While such relationships can function, they often lack joy.

To illustrate, I reflect on my childhood in Istanbul, where my nanny played a pivotal role in my life. She was not merely a caretaker; she was like a second mother to me. Her family intertwined with mine, contributing significantly to my fluency in Turkish. However, the marriage between my nanny and her husband was starkly devoid of intimacy. Throughout my youth, I can't recall them ever sharing a hug. Their exchanges were strictly logistical—discussions about television schedules or meal times—and their rare moments of dialogue often devolved into disputes, albeit non-abusive ones.

Despite their lack of affection, they had two daughters who I consider my elder sisters, and they now have children who see me as an uncle. This familial bond emerged from a relationship that lacked warmth, though it's not something I would wish for myself. Although legally united, my nanny and her husband lead separate lives—she cares for her grandchild across town while he enjoys his solitary pursuits. Their union lacks any semblance of intimacy, and if you aspire to such a relationship, then perhaps you can overlook intimacy altogether. However, if your goal is to genuinely enjoy the company of your partner, fostering intimacy should be a priority.

If you suspect your partner struggles with intimacy, they may exhibit several signs: reluctance to express emotions, limited physical affection, mood swings, and conversations that feel surface-level. They might also prioritize work over quality time with you.

It's easy to point fingers at a partner for emotional distance, but we must also acknowledge our role in these dynamics. My nanny had no agency in her marriage, having grown up in a traditional village in Turkey where arranged marriages are common. In fact, around 57% of first marriages in Turkey are orchestrated by families, often without the individuals' consent. In this context, divorce carries a heavy stigma, making it a rarity.

My nanny was bound to her husband by duty and societal expectations rather than by love, which complicates their emotional landscape. In contrast, you likely have the freedom to choose your partner. If you find yourself lamenting a lack of intimacy, it’s crucial to reflect on your choice. Relationships today are not dictated by obligation; they thrive on mutual attraction and preference.

Perhaps you were initially drawn to your partner’s aloofness, or maybe their behavior has not changed since you began dating. Instead of blaming them, consider your own preferences and decisions.

I often reference my nanny, but I also observe a decline in intimacy in my own parents' relationship. Once very affectionate, they have changed over nearly three decades of marriage. Now, they live apart for much of the year—my mother in the UK and my father in Turkey—symbolizing their emotional distance. Despite still being legally married, the intimacy that once defined their relationship has faded significantly.

To wrap up, intimacy is something that can be cultivated with intention. If you are in a long-term relationship, making an effort to nurture that intimacy is essential, even if it feels challenging. If you truly care about your partner, you will strive to reconnect on a deeper level.

Thank you for reading,

Godfrey

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