Navigating Change in Relationships: Embracing Growth Over Comfort
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Chapter 1: Understanding the Dichotomy of Change
“Since our last meeting, how has it been for you?” I inquire of Alex.
“Paulina has been more physically affectionate,” he replies, his expression unchanged.
“That’s wonderful! So why the long face?” “Because she’s only doing it because you suggested it. She didn’t choose to do it on her own,” he responds, a hint of disappointment in his voice.
“You raise a valid point. So what does that mean?” Paulina interjects.
“If her actions are merely a result of our discussion, does that still hold value?” “No, it doesn’t.”
Paulina took a deep breath and focused her gaze downward. My role is to assist couples in transforming their behaviors and expanding their emotional toolkit.
How do we achieve this? Through diligent effort and the willingness to engage in new experiences; experiences that may not feel innate, comfortable, or familiar. Any significant change will inherently disrupt the balance in a relationship, heighten anxiety, and introduce unfamiliar dynamics (for more insights on systemic change, click here).
Indeed, Alex was correct. Paulina didn’t alter her behavior out of a newfound urge to connect. She made a conscious decision to act differently. It wasn’t second nature for her; if it had been, she would have done it already! “There’s no growth in the comfort zone, and no comfort in the growth zone.”
In our professional lives, we often embrace the mantra of “fake it till you make it.” So, why not apply that principle in our personal relationships?
When embarking on a month-long yoga challenge, every pose feels foreign at first. With practice, you gradually adapt to these movements. This process may not feel natural, but you don’t label yourself as insincere. You acknowledge that you are simply exploring a new way of engaging with your body.
However, in intimate partnerships, individuals frequently hesitate to extend that same understanding. Much like Alex, partners often hold a limiting belief (which I term binary axioms) that categorizes their partner's actions as either genuine or insincere. This binary perspective can shield partners from deeper emotional pain by ensuring that their partner's intentions are perceived as pure. Yet, the cost of this dichotomy is a hindered capacity for deeper connection and meaningful intimacy.
Avoiding Intimacy Through Reluctance to Change
This binary thinking often serves as a barrier to partners embracing the effort required for deeper love.
“I find sharing about my day uncomfortable. It feels insincere,” Gilad admits.
“I understand you’re not fond of it. That’s why it hasn’t happened in 12 years. But you sought my help to explore new avenues. That means stepping into unfamiliar territory,” I reply.
In this case, binary thinking keeps Gilad from venturing out of his comfort zone and towards growth. This mindset also places the burden of change squarely on his partner. If he cannot attempt new behaviors without fearing they’ll be seen as insincere, then his partner is left to initiate change on her own.
Avoiding Intimacy Through Invalidating Efforts
This same binary logic can undermine your partner’s genuine attempts at change. Alex’s perception of Paulina’s actions as either real or fake minimized her conscious efforts and perpetuated the distance he initially complained about. Ironically, this mindset acts as a subconscious defense mechanism, shielding them from vulnerability and the risk of dependency by keeping the relationship at a superficial level.
The Reality of Love: It’s Challenging Work
The reality is that sustaining long-term intimate relationships demands significant effort. Authentic love, as opposed to the initial infatuation, necessitates considerable personal growth and intentional shifts in thought, communication, and behavior. All these adjustments are, by nature, new and unfamiliar.
Paulina chooses to be more affectionate not because she suddenly feels an overwhelming desire to connect, but because she consciously commits to improving her marriage.
Softening the Binary Perspective
For your relationship to thrive, you must be willing to step outside your comfort zone. This involves softening the belief that what feels unnatural is inherently fake and replacing it with the understanding that the unfamiliar signifies growth, experimentation, and evolution. Embracing the unfamiliar involves personal effort, awareness, and the courage to transcend what feels known.
How to Cultivate Trust in Your Partner’s Behavioral Changes
Adopting a new perspective will take time and effort. Here are some actionable strategies:
- Share this article with your partner. Discuss whether this binary thinking exists in your relationship.
- Reflect on the advantages and disadvantages of this mindset in your partnership.
- Each partner should create a list of 20 small actions that could enhance the other’s happiness. Exchange these lists.
- Commit to trying one item from the list, even if it feels unnatural.
- Acknowledge your efforts aloud. For instance, “I’m tidying up the kitchen now, Paulina, because I know it makes you feel appreciated.”
- Express gratitude when your partner attempts to implement changes, even if you suspect their motivation isn’t entirely genuine. “Thank you for cleaning the kitchen; I know it’s not your favorite task.”
- Replace notions of insincerity with ideas of growth. Whenever you catch yourself dismissing or belittling your partner’s efforts, remind yourself they are striving for a better relationship with you.
So, is it genuine or insincere?
The real question is, “Who cares?”
What truly matters is that you are both making an effort.
Where are you stepping outside of your comfort zone?
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The first video, "The 5 BIG SIGNS That Relationship WON'T LAST! | Esther Perel & Lewis Howes," explores critical indicators that can predict the longevity of a relationship, offering valuable insights for couples.
The second video, "Signs My Partner is Actually Changing for the Better," discusses the positive shifts in a partner's behavior and how to recognize them, emphasizing the importance of acknowledging growth in relationships.