Transforming My People-Pleasing Habit Through Heartbreak
Written on
Chapter 1: The People-Pleasing Journey
For as long as I can remember, I have been a people pleaser. Growing up, I developed a strong aversion to conflict. Witnessing the disputes between my parents before their divorce and the ensuing arguments between my mother and sister left me yearning for harmony.
Thus, I embarked on a quest to keep everyone around me happy. I aimed to be the ideal daughter, student, friend, and eventually, employee. The thought of anyone being upset or angry with me was unbearable. Even during my rebellious teenage years, I secretly despised letting people down.
The term “people pleaser” never quite fit how I saw myself. I believed I was simply being kind and generous, always eager to help others. My willingness to accommodate everyone else's needs was a source of pride, and no one ever questioned this behavior—until I met my ex.
His disdain for my accommodating nature was so strong that he gifted me a book on overcoming people-pleasing tendencies. I accepted it with a smile but internally dismissed the idea. Surely, there was nothing wrong with me!
What about him? Why couldn’t he appreciate my desire to help? I prided myself on being a reliable person; to me, that was a strength, not a flaw. However, I began to wonder… was it really a strength?
I attempted to read the book but didn’t progress far. After our first breakup, I shelved it and never looked back. Over the years, our recurring breakups and reconciliations highlighted my ongoing struggle with my need to please.
He resented every time I prioritized a friend or family member over him. Conversely, those friends and family, accustomed to my availability, were unhappy when I focused on my relationship. This left me feeling divided, caught in a never-ending struggle for balance.
Exhausted and stressed, I neglected my own needs while trying to meet everyone else's demands. This culminated after a significant family wedding. Torn between supporting the bride and giving him my full attention, I ended up feeling miserable, unable to enjoy the festivities.
He couldn’t comprehend that my support for the bride was more important than catering to him. Despite my repeated apologies, I felt like I had failed in his eyes.
That’s when the realization struck me: it wasn’t that he disliked my desire to please; he only wanted me to please him.
Suddenly, everything became clear. His happiness hinged on me placing him above everyone else, but what about my happiness? I had been so focused on satisfying others that I had lost sight of myself.
Thus, I began to establish boundaries. I stopped yielding to every demand on my time and attention. I refused to take responsibility for others' emotions and actions.
Months later, when he lashed out at me for something stemming from his own insecurity, I chose not to accept blame for actions that weren't mine. The old me would have apologized and done anything to maintain peace, but this new me was determined not to sacrifice my well-being for his ego.
When the final breakup occurred, I simply said okay and walked away. After nine years, he succeeded in changing me—I no longer felt the need to please everyone.
Though the process was painful, I am genuinely thankful for this newfound freedom.
In the video, "I Can't Get Over My Ex...Please Help Me Move On!”, the speaker shares their struggles with moving on from a past relationship while grappling with deep emotional attachments.
The second video, "Psychologist Explains How To Get Over A Breakup & Heartbreak," provides insights and professional strategies for managing the emotional pain that accompanies breakups, helping viewers understand how to heal and move forward.