Chapter 1: The Three Dimensions of Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder has multiple layers that can be difficult to navigate.

Today, I found myself spiraling back into despair unexpectedly. This morning felt stable, which has become my primary hope lately. While stability is a relief compared to despair, it lacks the excitement that comes with hypomania.

However, my mood shifted dramatically within a few hours. I began the day feeling productive, only to later experience a public emotional breakdown. I've learned to mask these moments from onlookers, donning a baseball cap and sunglasses as if avoiding the glare of paparazzi, rather than protecting strangers from witnessing my tears.

I yearn for sleep. It serves as a temporary escape, offering a false sense of hope that everything will align by morning. In those moments, I can dream of a world where all my troubles dissolve overnight, and I’m saved by slumber.

When I’m not feeling down, those fantasies manifest during my waking hours. I envision possessing extraordinary abilities, as if I've gained knowledge that few others have.

During a significant hypomanic episode two years ago, I even reached out to a specialized institute about sudden genius syndrome, convinced I had transformed into a modern-day Einstein. When I followed up, they confirmed receipt of my messages but offered no further feedback, likely accustomed to inquiries from those experiencing manic episodes.

That intense hypomanic state, though now a memory, lingers in my thoughts. The connection I felt during that time was profound, something I struggle to replicate in either stable or depressive moods. Today, I feel disconnected from everything, including my own self. A part of me is overwhelmed with sadness, while another is driven to act. Only activities I once cherished still spark enthusiasm; others have turned into mundane chores.

I’m beginning to suspect my medication may not be effective. Perhaps I’m intolerant to it. While stopping certain medications worsens my condition, I can't determine if it's due to acclimation or if they genuinely provide relief.

This uncertainty makes me question whether treatment has truly improved my life. Have I become more aligned with my ideal self, yet sacrificed components I believed essential for happiness? Certainly, my mental health regimen has facilitated personal growth, especially when I experience stability that allows for rational thought. Growth also occurs during recovery from depression and periods of heightened productivity in hypomania.

When stable, my prefrontal cortex engages in constructive thinking, presenting viable choices. While I might shy away from risks that feel manageable during manic phases, I often appreciate my more cautious decisions later. Emerging from depression, I gain insights into my triggers, allowing me to confront the emotional pain I need to express. Depression serves both as a cause and an effect, rooted in deeper issues. The suffering it brings can feel torturous, yet it opens pathways to new perspectives.

In hypomania, my perceptions expand. Nature, random patterns, and art all convey profound messages, revealing insights about unity and separation. Engaging with art during these episodes brings the pieces to life, offering a unique understanding of the world, even if such insights might seem hallucinatory.

Integrating these three facets of myself—stability, depression, and hypomania—poses a significant challenge. While bipolar disorder is often viewed as two extremes, the central point is equally important. Balancing on the tightrope between these states requires focus. There’s a safety net below, but it can propel me towards either extreme. The goal is to maintain balance and progress steadily.

The clearest insights emerge post-depression when I can identify what triggers my lowest moments. Stability reveals that with the right mix of medication, I may lead a somewhat mundane existence—productive yet devoid of excitement. In contrast, hypomania showcases the world’s endless possibilities, reminding me that my worries often pale in comparison.

This presents a difficult choice.

For more exclusive content, visit my website, InternalJiuJitsu.com. My new book, Brokedown Sensei: How I Fought Trauma and Bipolar Disorder From The Outside In, is available on Amazon. You can also find the Get Your Mental Wellness Workbook, a helpful journaling tool, on Amazon. Additionally, my full virtual talk, “Nuclear Fusion, Trauma Recovery and The Hero’s Journey,” is available on the InternalJiuJitsu YouTube Channel.

Chapter 2: Insights from Experts

In exploring bipolar disorder, it's beneficial to consult expert opinions and research.

The first video, "The Science & Treatment of Bipolar Disorder | Huberman Lab Podcast #82," delves into the scientific understanding and treatment options available for bipolar disorder.

The second video, "Bipolar Disorder - Psychiatric Mental Health | ‪@LevelUpRN‬," provides an overview of the psychiatric aspects of bipolar disorder, highlighting important considerations for mental health.