Chapter 1: Meet the Supermassive Black Hole

In a far-flung region of the cosmos, there resided a peculiar black hole, as dark as the most shadowy depths of space. In reality, it was not just any black hole; it was a SUPERmassive black hole—immense and impressive, akin to a superhero, but without the silly tights. With a mass estimated at around a billion solar masses, it far surpassed any earthly comparison.

This supermassive black hole lacked a bathroom scale, leaving it clueless about its true weight. Perhaps it was a few thousand solar masses if it were on the smaller side, or maybe it stretched into the hundreds of thousands of billions of solar masses if it were a giant. The black hole felt a twinge of envy when thinking of the nearby bright star, known as the Sun, which was youthful and stunningly radiant, while it felt like a colossal, heavy entity in comparison.

“Why doesn’t anyone use ME as a model?” it grumbled to itself. “Is it because I'm black?”

With no knowledge of its mass or size, the black hole could only guess whether it maintained a healthy BMI. Yet, it attempted to stay active by swirling around enormous gas clouds in its vicinity—though the concept of “daily exercise” was a foreign idea to it.

It often tried to measure up against a neighboring supermassive black hole within the quasar J0159+0105. This neighbor boasted a mass of approximately 1.3*¹?? solar masses and a size comparable to 50 times the distance light travels in a day, resulting in a BMI of about 1.5*¹?? kg/m². “But is that a healthy figure?” it wondered. “Shouldn't it be below 25? That feels a bit excessive…”

“I wish someone could tell me my actual mass,” the black hole mused. “And do I look good in this gas cloud?”

The supermassive black hole found itself in the company of its dazzling friend, the Quasar. While it embodied darkness, the Quasar radiated with an intensity around 4 trillion times that of the Sun, thriving in the limelight.

As the black hole retreated into its own gloom, the vibrant Quasar basked in attention, exuding energy and confidence.

“I am Quasar, hear me roar!” it would proclaim, though its roar was more a series of radio signals echoing through the cosmos. If only one could translate it into the language of lions!

Meanwhile, the black hole sulked in its shadowy domain, almost as if it were trying to consume its radiant companion from within.

One day, the Quasar had enough.

“Enough of this!” it declared, releasing a brilliant stream of high-speed particles through a blazar jet.

“Stop sulking! We’re going to measure your mass and the masses of our fellow SMBHs across the universe. I’m sure your BMI is perfectly fine!”

The supermassive black hole felt a flicker of hope, though it was merely gas swirling around its event horizon that gave that impression. It pretended not to care, but the Quasar understood that the darkness within its friend masked deeper feelings.

Thus, the Quasar began sending signals to anyone willing to measure the masses of various black holes.

Years turned into billions, yet the Quasar remained patient, as time itself bent around its immense presence. It felt like mere moments passed before someone in another part of the universe responded to the ancient signals—deciding, almost as if by chance, to measure the masses of some supermassive black holes.

“Why are we doing this again?” a student inquired while grappling with the calculations.

“Because we want to know!” was the vague reply.

Yet, the truth lay in the whispers of the distant Quasar, urging the students to calculate the masses of their SMBH companions.

And so, they worked tirelessly, their efforts paying off as they delved into the mysteries of the universe. The students found the supermassive black hole intriguing, hardly paying attention to its BMI. It possessed a mass befitting a black hole—perfect as it was. Did it look good in its dusty gas cloud? Perhaps. Who could say?

In the end, they all lived happily ever after, until the illusion of time unraveled. The Quasars thrived for a while, but eventually, the black holes within them consumed all their energy, leaving the surrounding space dark and lifeless.

Yet, what transpired within the black holes remained an untold story, one that would only be revealed in billions of years, from a human perspective.

To be continued in a few billion years (or now, if you are a photon).

Chapter 2: A Journey Through the Cosmos

This chapter continues the exploration of the universe's wonders, intertwined with the lives of supermassive black holes and their dazzling counterparts.