Chapter 1: The Job Offer

Below is a job posting that we have been asked to share on behalf of a peanut manufacturing company. Conveniently located, our factory is a thriving enterprise with a substantial, vibrant, and enthusiastic workforce ready to welcome you.

Yes, you... While we have our fair share of strengths, we require your expertise to address our most significant weakness. For years, like many businesses both here and abroad, our management has relied somewhat on ambiguous pifométrie values.

For instance, when our CEO exclaims, “You’re a bunch of good-for-nothings!” should we take it to mean he is addressing the entire team, targeting a few individuals, or perhaps hinting that the project manager might be on the chopping block? Similarly, when our maintenance head says, “There’s a slight issue with the peanut peeling machine,” does it imply that the problem will be resolved immediately, or that the factory might face significant downtime? When our quality manager mentions, “We barely passed certification…” does he mean we did the bare minimum, or that he splurged at a restaurant with the auditor?

In response to these philosophical inquiries and many others like them, we initially consulted an expert from E.N.S.I.P. who swiftly implemented the UNM 00–001 standard — Magnitudes and Units — Pifométric Units System. This was quite an investment, but we learned a few valuable insights:

The pifometer is a personal, inalienable tool that is inseparable from the individual and cannot be utilized by anyone else.

EXAMPLE: The term pétaouchnock can refer to a nearby hamlet for a rural local, a northern city for a judge from the south, or an African capital for a Parisian standardizer.

Two pifométric values that oppose each other do not cancel out.

EXAMPLE: The phrases “It’s been ages since I asked you for your report!” and “It hasn’t been long since you submitted your report!” both indicate that a subordinate is about to get reprimanded by their boss, assuming the latter takes the time to review the hastily prepared report.

This certainly clarifies things a bit. We were nearly a micropoil away from making a judgment error!

Much like the units described above, we found that they could carry an iota more meaning...

The term "palanquée" denotes a large quantity, potentially countable with a good dose of courage (see definition).

EXAMPLE: I have a palanquée of overdue files.

The "poil près" is a unit of fine estimation, often by default. Subunits include "quart de poil près" and "micropoil près." When the required precision borders on the immeasurable, one might even need the derived unit "poil de cuisse de grenouille près," or its subunit "quart de poil de cuisse de grenouille près."

EXAMPLE: Today, I completed my work hours, give or take a poil.

NOTE: This example highlights a notion of uncertainty by default, but not excessively so.

The "fifrelin" is a unit for small quantities that can take the adjective form "fifrelinesque," indicating an infinitesimal amount. In the Southwest, its equivalent "brinborion" is preferred, which conveniently rhymes with the monosyllabic noun used to punctuate the end of each sentence.

EXAMPLE: My salary increased by a fifrelin, or a chouïa (in some companies), or a brinborion, mate.

We are grateful to UNM for the considerable effort in providing these valuable clarifications on our everyday terms. However, it remains unclear how much of a raise I will receive.

Thus, we had limited options...

Either we could ask our numerous employees to slightly adjust their habits and add some precision to their language, or we could hire a permanent analyst to help clarify the statements of everyone involved.

For a multitude of reasons that may seem apparent, we chose the latter approach.

If you’ve made it this far in reading, it’s clear you are interested in this position. Here are the qualities you will need to possess. First and foremost, we understand that there aren’t many analysts in pifométrie. Therefore, we will accept anyone who shows even a hint of motivation and is willing to learn on the job.

You should be resourceful to some extent, at least to a point that allows you to manage. You must learn to master a few pifométrie assistance software tools, if they exist. You should be familiar with the UNM 00–001 standard — Magnitudes and Units — Pifométric Units System, or at least be able to apply it intuitively.

You need to have a degree of common sense, as it is crucial for navigating through complexities. It’s understood that common sense varies from one employee to another.

You should enjoy the delightful aroma of peanuts and the occasional humorous quip. A touch of humor is always beneficial...

The compensation will be competitive and commensurate with your skills. You will also enjoy a range of benefits to be determined!

If you are interested, please leave a cover letter in the comments. We will reach out within a reasonable timeframe.

Article dated April 1st, relocated here from Crea.Coffee