How to Succeed at New Year’s Resolutions: A Humorous Take
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The Secret to New Year’s Resolutions
Are you fed up with constantly falling short of the expectations set by your family or significant other? If so, keep reading for the ultimate secret to conquering those pesky New Year’s resolutions.
Let’s pose a question: What do figures like Tony Robbins, Deepak Chopra, Jillian Michaels, Oprah, and the creators of Chicken Soup for the Soul have in common? Beyond the restraining orders that keep me at a safe distance, they all withhold a vital truth that I’m about to share.
Self-improvement industries thrive on selling enticing products that often yield little long-term change. If you actually become healthy, wealthy, and wise, you wouldn’t need to purchase books, CDs, or even the latest wellness retreats. These motivational speakers wouldn't be billionaires if their advice genuinely worked.
Now, here's the moment you've been waiting for—an easy solution that might just leave you laughing at yourself for not realizing it sooner. And the best part? It’s completely free.
Drumroll, please…
The key to successfully achieving your New Year’s resolutions when others falter is simple: make your resolutions things you absolutely do not want to do.
You might be wondering why anyone would choose to tackle something they have no desire to accomplish. The answer lies in the reality that most people fail their New Year's resolutions. By employing the inverse paradox principle, you’ll find that you tend to avoid tasks you didn’t want in the first place.
If, by some miracle, you do hit your goal in 2024, you can proudly flaunt your exceptional willpower and discipline to those who are sweating it out in marathons and gulping down kale smoothies.
Example 1:
A staggering 86.1% of New Year’s resolutions focus on getting fit, eating better, and losing weight. Don’t fall into the trap of purchasing a gym membership only to use it sporadically throughout the year. Instead, why not aim to weigh more than a barrel of mayonnaise?
“Last year, I wanted to shed 20 pounds. This year, I’m aiming to gain 40 pounds.”
Imagine waltzing into the office after spring break, donning pants two sizes larger. Your colleagues will envy your so-called 'success' in self-improvement. And if you somehow manage to lose 20 pounds, your 'failed' resolution will still leave you in better shape than before. It’s truly a win-win situation.
Example 2:
In developed nations, 41.3% of resolutions are about reducing screen time. While you could be out enjoying nature with loved ones, why not pledge to binge-watch every show imaginable until your eyes feel like they might fall out?
“Last year, I aimed to limit my screen time to one hour daily. This year, I plan to drive Netflix and all other streaming services to bankruptcy with my viewing habits.”
Just think about how impressed your ex will be when they find out you managed to watch all forty-two seasons of Survivor in just two weeks! Or when you book non-stop international flights that defy time zones, resulting in epic movie marathons. They’ll never question your commitment to relationships again—wedding bells may be on the horizon!
In Conclusion
Don't be one of those who set unattainable goals, only to buckle under the pressure and anxiety by February. Instead, make New Year’s resolutions that you’ll actually follow through with.
My personal goal? To gain 400 pounds. Cheers!
Footnotes:
¹ The aforementioned gurus also possess beautifully landscaped homes and overly vigilant security.
² Historically, New Year’s resolutions are rare in developing countries, where survival takes precedence over extravagant goals.
³ The preceding narrative is satirical and not intended as medical counsel. The author has never been caught lurking in Oprah’s garden.
Chapter 1: Video Insights on Resolutions
This video explores the idea of setting better New Year’s resolutions, featuring insights from Gretchen Rubin.
Chapter 2: Why Resolutions Often Fail
In this insightful video, the reasons behind failed New Year’s resolutions are examined, providing a humorous yet realistic perspective.