Chapter 1 Understanding Shame

Shame is an emotion that can be difficult to articulate.

It’s a unique sensation that either resonates with you or it doesn’t. For those who have never experienced it, no explanation will suffice. Shame feels like the ground has disappeared beneath you, a precise and deliberate action, akin to a skilled surgeon's cut. It may not always lead to fatal outcomes; often, it acts like a playful executioner, ready to drop the floor from beneath your feet but saving you just in time to breathe.

At times, language fails us. When you lack the words to express your feelings, that's when the noise in your head becomes deafening—like the sound of a steel drum or the thudding feet of a marching band with their sharp bayonets and polished caps.

When the music starts, my feet scramble to find the rhythm, attempting to balance like a pink balloon over an open flame. Just like balloons, people can burst if not handled with care.

When life feels unsteady, many assume you might be overwhelmed by it all, that the primary struggle is to maintain your footing. While that may be true, the real anguish often stems from shame. There’s no warning when the world might be snatched away from you; it can happen without a signal. You might be gliding through life, chatting and laughing, feeling content—whether you’re holding hands with a friend or enjoying a moment of solitude on fresh sheets.

You may be laughing, trying to lighten the mood, because everyone faces their own challenges, right? When silence envelops your thoughts, all you want is for others to join in your laughter.

Ultimately, it is shame that brings you down. Just when you believed you were back on track, life can shift dramatically. Suddenly, you’re reminded of how foolish you must seem, attempting to dance to a tune you can’t even hear. You realize you’ve been fooling yourself.

In one moment, you feel fine; in the next, you're lower than the asphalt beneath worn-out shoes.

You are enough—until you feel like you aren’t. It’s challenging to feel strong when the entire world seems to be scrutinizing your very core. The deepest shame doesn’t arise from hitting rock bottom; it manifests when you have every reason to rise, yet you feel immense pressure, too great to prevent your fall. When love, joy, and sunny days fail to lift the heavy gray veil, you sense everyone around you judging your situation, thinking, "You can’t be that bad off, can you?"

“No,” you respond, almost in a whisper. “No, I’m not.”

Shame intensifies when you believe your struggles are dragging others down with you. When the words you want to say feel inadequate and arid, it’s hard to be the one sharing those sentiments. Haven’t you burdened others enough?

There are moments when you long for someone to acknowledge your feelings—a simple pat on the back, a comforting word, or just someone saying, “You’re doing okay.” Yet sometimes, even a kind word can feel like a weight. On days when you feel unworthy, you may not want to hear that you mean something without also being reminded of the burden you've carried.

When I find it hard to express myself, reassurance can feel more like a reminder of lost words rather than comfort. I would prefer a shared silence, a mutual understanding without the need for words. In moments of darkness, silence can often speak louder than any verbal reassurance.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. While words may not always suffice, perhaps music can bridge the gap.