The Depths of Despair

To transition from internal auditor to financial analyst, I convinced myself that I required external proof of my analytical abilities. My focus narrowed on a daunting financial certification exam, the CFA (Chartered Financial Analyst), a term that would soon dominate my thoughts and nightmares.

To become a CFA, one must pass three levels/tests, and I believed that succeeding in level one was my ticket into the finance world. Currently, the pass rate for this exam hovers around a mere 27%, significantly lower than the 39% average over the past 11 years.

In simpler terms, this exam is incredibly challenging.

The general belief is that one needs around 300 hours of study to pass level one. I was so eager to escape my job that I ended up logging 428 hours of study time while juggling full-time work. I tracked my progress with a detailed spreadsheet.

Consequently, I vanished from my social circle for five months. Friends feared I had disappeared, while my parents grew concerned about my lack of a social life. I abandoned alcohol, joy, and anything else that could have softened my self-imposed torture. I found myself in a very dark place—let's label it the "valley of despair."

But, dear reader, this tale has a positive resolution. I successfully passed level one, quit my job, and secured a position in San Diego, moving to my new home in January 2019 to begin a happier chapter.

Searching for Divine Guidance

I understand you might be weary of my fixation on a financial exam, but we must revisit the CFA one final time. After settling in San Diego, I faced another daunting choice: Should I begin studying for level two of the CFA?

The mere thought of returning to that "valley of despair" made me feel nauseous. Just contemplating the CFA sent my palms sweating and my stomach churning. While I'm no mental health professional, I genuinely believe I had developed PTSD from my previous experience.

I struggled to make this decision independently. One day I was determined to study, and the next, I would retreat in fear. A significant internal conflict ensued. My heart and spirit were at odds with my intellect and pride, and I feared my ego would emerge victorious.

Feeling overwhelmed, I sought guidance from a higher power. Having previously experimented with psychedelic mushrooms, I hoped they could help me access a deeper part of my psyche to navigate my dilemma.

An Introspective Journey

As I held the crumpled bag of mushrooms, I realized there was no turning back. Psychedelic experiences can be daunting, as they often leave you feeling out of control. The best description I've encountered is:

“You can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube.”

On the beach with some close friends, I initially felt relaxed and secure. However, in an instant, the hill before me morphed into a gargantuan Jabba the Hutt, and I was engulfed by a wave of fear. My stomach churned, and I felt an urgent need to move. I stood up, mumbled something about going for a walk, and headed down the beach.

As I walked along the shore, the sun dipped below the horizon, revealing the stars in the darkening sky. For a fleeting moment, everything felt normal again, bringing me peace. Yet, when I looked up again, I realized that the next few hours would be anything but ordinary.

The sky transformed into an enormous geometric dome, and I witnessed thousands of shooting stars simultaneously illuminating the night. The beauty was so overwhelming that I decided to avoid looking up for the foreseeable future.

As I stood in awe, I suddenly forgot how to walk. Oddly enough, this realization didn't trouble me. I simply lay back on the sand, escaping the dazzling stars and enjoying my new horizontal perspective.

At this point, articulating my experience becomes challenging. Lying on the sand, I felt myself merge with the earth. I became one with the universe, losing the ability to communicate in English, only to connect with the cosmos in a profound way. Flashbacks of past lives and my true self flooded my mind.

It was an ineffable experience; we lack the words to adequately describe it.

The Crucial Inquiry

When I eventually emerged from this trance, I knew it was time to pose my pivotal question. I stood up (hooray! I could walk again) and gazed at the now-calming starry sky.

With all my being, I asked:

Should I pursue level two of the CFA?

The Universe responded instantly in a manner I hadn't anticipated. My heart and soul erupted with laughter, resonating like distant thunder that enveloped me entirely.

I quickly understood that the Universe was laughing at me. In a gentle, loving manner, I was being told that I was asking the wrong question.

Then, something occurred that would alter my life forever.

I found myself standing ten feet away, observing who I was. This out-of-body experience allowed me to see Gregory Russell Benedikt in his entirety.

I witnessed his aspirations and sifted through his character's essence. I delved into the depths of his heart and mind, and as I did, I was flooded with love.

I realized I possessed a pure heart. I was genuinely doing my best and striving to create a positive impact in the world. For the first time, I felt a wave of genuine, unconditional self-love wash over me. As this wave enveloped me, I returned to my body and wept tears of joy and compassion.

Returning to Myself

This experience is indelibly etched in my memory. Years of self-doubt and comparisons dissipated in mere seconds. I glimpsed beneath the façade I had been maintaining and fell in love with my true self. It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life, and since then, I have not been the same.

As I gaze at the stars at night, I still feel that profound self-love radiating from within. Even during the day, this love persists in a way it never did before, allowing me to lead a lighter, more playful life.

Though the stars have returned to their normal state and the hills no longer resemble Jabba the Hutt, I am transformed. I am immensely grateful for this experience and now view psychedelics through a different lens.

While psychedelics may not be for everyone, I believe they can be safely explored with the right mindset and environment to delve deep within ourselves. They serve as powerful tools to uncover the treasures residing within us.

They may help you assess your current path and question if you're on the right track or simply unlock your heart. Regardless, their ancient wisdom is sacred and demands respect.

If you choose to embark on your own psychedelic journey, do so with proper guidance and supervision. I recommend reading Michael Pollan’s How to Change Your Mind as essential preparation for anyone considering this path.

Sharing my experience has been a long-held desire, and I tremble as I prepare to publish. My inner critic shouts at me, resisting my decision.

People will view you differently. You’ll lose your professional edge. You can’t discuss this publicly!

However, if this article resonates with even one person, it will have been worth it. I firmly believe that self-love addresses many of our concerns, and we should explore every avenue to reconnect with ourselves.

In the wise words of James Altucher, “I never hit publish unless I’m afraid of what people will think of me.”

A heartfelt thank you to my ally, Vincent Van Patten, for encouraging me to share this. Opening up about this vulnerable chapter of my journey makes my inner child proud.

To Vinny and all who read this, what fears hold you back from sharing your truths?

P.S. I chose not to pursue level two of the CFA. Given that I left my finance career two years later, it was a wise decision. I now tell people I’m an ex-financial analyst turned life and leadership coach. My mission is to help others realize their potential by living authentically. Visit my website to learn more about me, or follow me on Medium. I’d love to connect with you!