How Failure Fuels Growth: Lessons from Jiu Jitsu
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“You can’t win unless you learn how to lose.” — Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
Daily, I face defeat. As I step onto the mat for Brazilian Jiu Jitsu training, the inevitability of ‘tapping out’ looms. This act signals my defeat, serving as an acknowledgment to myself, my opponent, and the observers that I have been outmatched. The phrase ‘you win or you learn’ encapsulates our philosophy, and I often find myself losing more than winning. Despite this, I come back consistently, determined to continue for life. By the conclusion of this piece, I aim to share my reasoning with you.
To provide some background, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu is a grappling-based martial art that focuses on taking the fight to the ground, controlling the opponent, and applying submission holds. A match concludes when one person ‘taps’—either verbally or physically indicating surrender due to the threat of injury from a joint lock, the risk of unconsciousness from a choke, or overwhelming pain.
The act of tapping is pivotal in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, making the practice highly engaging. It allows for realistic training under relative safety. If caught in a difficult position, one can simply tap; the match resets, and the process begins anew. This ongoing evaluation of technique against a fully resisting opponent is precisely what makes Brazilian Jiu Jitsu effective.
Practitioners learn to execute techniques on opponents who are trained to resist and counter. This dynamic quickly clarifies what strategies are effective. There’s no ambiguity—if a technique succeeds, it leads to a tap; thus, you either win or learn.
The ‘winner’ discovers that a particular approach is effective when executed correctly. However, true insight is gained by the one who tapped out; each loss presents a chance to identify weaknesses. Losing invites a cascade of introspective inquiries, which can foster significant growth.
“Why did that happen? How could I have acted differently? What areas need my attention? Am I training consistently? What was my mindset prior? Am I asking the right questions of my coach? Was it their skill that outmatched me or a moment of mental lapse on my part? Did I underestimate my opponent? How can I prevent this in the future?”
This learning process requires a willingness to embrace the risk of failure. It’s crucial to confront losses not as insults to the ego, but as opportunities for growth.
Your attitude towards losing influences your capacity to learn. This principle extends to all facets of life.
Upon realizing that failure is a crucial component of success, I became less troubled by it. Failure serves as a profound educational tool, illuminating the areas needing improvement. The key lies in heeding its lessons and applying them to future pursuits. Let’s discuss how the concept of ‘you win or you learn’ can be integrated into our lives.
> “If you try and fail, congratulations. Most people won’t even try.” — Anonymous
Learning Through Loss
I frequently engage with individuals about their aspirations in life. I hear their goals, dreams, and ambitions—what they envision after school, the careers they aspire to, how they wish to spend their time, and the successes they aim to achieve.
A recurring theme I observe is that, while everyone desires something, most fail to take action toward making it a reality. The reasons for their inaction may differ in expression, but the underlying issue is fear of failure. So paralyzing is this fear that many prefer to remain stagnant rather than risk attempting something new. If they began learning from their losses, they might stop losing altogether; thus, you win or you learn!
I’ve encountered numerous ideas that could revolutionize lives—whether personal, professional, or societal. The vision is present, and the opportunity is clear, yet action is absent.
Some of this reluctance is logistical. Major life changes often entail challenges, the need for new skills, and financial resources to support the transition. Yet, these hurdles should not be viewed as insurmountable barriers but as challenges to be navigated with flexibility and perseverance.
The predominant barrier to action is fear. Fear of embarrassment. Fear of failure. Fear of making mistakes.
“What if I make this significant change and it fails?” “What if I end up worse off than before?” “What if others judge me and fail to see my vision?”
It seems we prefer our dreams to remain intangible rather than risk confronting them in reality. We worry excessively about others’ perceptions if we stumble or what it might mean for our self-worth, preventing us from even starting.
If we don’t try, we fail by default. You win or you learn.
As an educator, I’ve witnessed students often leave exam questions unanswered. Instead of attempting the questions, they opt for an empty response, ensuring a zero score. This phenomenon occurs even in multiple-choice questions where guessing offers a 20%-25% chance of a correct answer with no penalties for wrong choices. This behavior spans various subjects and demographics, unaffected by students' backgrounds or abilities.
When I asked why they left answers blank, the response was often, “I didn’t want the examiner to think I was foolish.”
Even the anonymity of grading by strangers fails to alter this mindset. Students care more about preserving their image than about the potential to succeed. By not attempting, they forfeit any opportunity for feedback on their performance. They prioritize saving face over taking a chance.
Let me reiterate, as it bears repeating: If you never try, you fail anyway. So why not extract some learning from your losses?
You face a choice: remain in your current position, continuing your routine and yielding the same outcomes, or risk facing failure? That choice is yours alone. Yet, I do know that if you are dissatisfied with where you are in life, you must make a change. If you don’t, your life will stagnate.
Failure is a natural part of life; thus, learning how to handle it is essential.
Strategies for Conquering Fear of Failure
For me, the key to overcoming fear of failure lies in understanding that if you don’t attempt something, you have already failed.
Your writing may not resonate, your music might not be well-received, you may finish last in a competition, your business could flop, and your fashion line may be ridiculed. However, you could also become a bestseller, chart in the top 100, or even win. Regardless, you either win or learn.
> “Successful individuals don’t fear failure; they recognize it as vital for learning and growth.” — Robert Kiyosaki
Next, confront the fear itself. Ask yourself, “What precisely am I afraid of?” While this varies for everyone, it often comes down to fear of embarrassment or a blow to the ego. If you try and fail, you might feel you’ve validated your fears of inadequacy. This can be difficult to cope with. Conversely, if you don’t try, you can maintain a false sense of self-worth, as you haven’t tested your abilities.
Risking failure equates to risking your self-belief.
The downside of this mindset is that you remain in delusion. By risking failure, you gain insight into your true capabilities. You uncover your strengths and weaknesses, allowing you to address and overcome them—now that you know what to look for!
To conquer the fear of failure, remember: you either win or learn. Every setback is a chance to grow. Don’t waste that opportunity.
TAKE ACTION
Engage in a hobby that incorporates competition. The specifics don’t matter, as long as there is a clear winner and loser.
Treat every practice session with importance, as they are significant. Go beyond lessons by reading relevant literature and watching instructional videos. Train yourself to succeed. When you feel ready, or within the first six months, compete.
When you compete, aim to win. Give it your all, so that afterward you can confidently say you did your best.
If you achieve victory in one competition, challenge yourself further in a higher division against tougher opponents. Continue competing until you face a loss.
When you lose, reflect on your performance and dissect the experience. Ask yourself:
- What can I improve upon?
- What caused my defeat?
- How would I prepare differently for this competition next time?
Repeat this process, adjusting your practice and performance based on what you’ve learned from prior losses. Notice the shifts in your mental state before, during, and after competitions. Experience the newfound confidence and reduced anxiety.
The essential takeaway here is to recognize that losing fosters improvement. Just as it does in your hobbies, embracing losses will enhance your life.
One of my most significant failures was launching a remedial massage business with my wife. We thoroughly researched the regulatory landscape, budgeted carefully, and had sufficient initial capital.
The business began to grow slowly, and we started breaking even, occasionally making a profit. Then, we found out we were expecting. This was wonderful news, but the timing was unfortunate for our business. We had to hire employees sooner than anticipated or could afford.
As is common with small businesses, the owner is typically more invested than employees. Transitioning clients to a new practitioner proved more challenging than expected. Once our child was born, my wife could no longer contribute to the business, and her focus shifted to motherhood. Ultimately, we exited the business at a significant financial loss to prevent an even greater disaster.
However, the experience wasn’t entirely negative. We gained immense knowledge about the business world and about ourselves. This insight is so valuable that we would have willingly paid more than the losses incurred to acquire it.
We may have failed in that venture, but by learning from our experiences, we will find success in our next endeavor.
> “I failed repeatedly, and that is why I succeeded.” — Michael Jordan
Frequently Asked Questions
- I can’t afford to fail. My family relies on me, and risking our stability on a new venture is too risky.
- Be pragmatic. It’s essential to ensure that your responsibilities are met and that your actions won’t negatively impact your family.
Recognize that your concern likely revolves around maintaining their current lifestyle rather than merely providing for their basic needs. In chapter 4.3, ‘Get Your Finances In Order,’ I explore strategies to reduce costs, and in chapter 5.2, ‘Live By Your Values,’ I emphasize identifying what truly matters to you.
With these tools, you can differentiate between necessities, desires, and what you’ve become accustomed to. It’s possible that your concern for your family is a cover for your fear of failure.
You might be able to provide for your family while still embracing the risk of failure. Just ensure you have a fallback plan in place—a threshold that, when crossed, prompts you to stop and ensures your well-being.
- I keep facing failures. It feels like I fail every time I try.
- What a remarkable opportunity for growth! You must be learning a great deal!
Are you taking notes, reflecting on what happened, and examining why you failed? Have you sought coaching, mentorship, or education to address those gaps? Have you considered making changes to improve your starting position? Perhaps you have an ungrounded assumption that requires reassessment. Are you genuinely losing as often as it feels, or is it a perception?
The reality is that if you actively learn from your mistakes, success will eventually follow. Over time, if you continuously learn and adapt, you will become a winner.
Resources
The War Of Art, Steven Pressfield
Summary
Understand that to achieve success, you must try. When you attempt something, you will inevitably encounter failure. Embrace those failures, learn from them, improve, and try again.
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It Is Never The Right Time So Stop Stalling & Do It Now Done Is Better Than Perfect
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